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I swore never to go through my girlfriend’s phone but now, I’m the one hurting

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I’ve lost three relationships in two years. The last one ended badly. I regret everything I did to her during the dying days of the relationship but anytime I think of how ungrateful that girl was, I sit still, smile, and tell myself:

“She deserves everything I did to her.” But before I come to that story, let me tell you how the previous two relationships ended. They both ended the same way. I suspected they were cheating. Alice for instance was always online on Whatsapp. You’ll ask her, “What are you doing online at this time?” And she will pose the same question to you; “What are you also doing online?”

The truth of the matter is, anytime I went on WhatsApp late to see her online, I went purposely to check if she was online and 99.9% of the time she would be online. This is a girl who wasn’t working. The phone she was using I bought it for her. People give monthly allowance but I was giving her weekly allowance and also bought what she asked for if only I was in the right financial position to get it for her. 

So one night when she was sleeping, I picked her phone and went through her messages. There were four other guys she was dating. She had sent nudes to all of them and she had done a lot of nasty things with all of them. It was clear in their messages. There was one married guy she was dating. At some point, she told the guy that she was pregnant so the guy should give her money to get rid of it. When I asked her about it, she said she was only lying to him to get money from him. She accepted that she had something to do with the other three guys. She cried and asked me to forgive her. 

I didn’t struggle to go through her phone and see all that I saw and later play softball with her so I called it quit. I should’ve given myself some time to study Belinda very well before proposing to her but I didn’t. When the opportunity presented itself and I realised she would accept my proposal, I went ahead and proposed to her. She said yes immediately and a relationship between us started. Three months later, I started seeing red flags. Anytime I was with her a particular guy kept calling her phone. She told me, “Don’t mind him. He had proposed to me and I’d said no so I don’t know why he’s still pursuing me.”

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It felt like some sort of magnet. Anytime she was with me, that guy called. I started studying the pattern on her phone until one day I got it. I went through her phone and surprisingly there were no chats on her phone but that guy had sent a hello to her that she hadn’t responded to. So I responded to the guy. He asked, “Where are you?” I responded, “I’m home.” He said, “So why are you not picking my calls? I said, “I was asleep when you called.” The guy called. Of course, I didn’t pick. He came back on line and was very angry. I told him the truth. “This is not Belinda. I’m her boyfriend. She’s currently asleep.” He asked me, “Boyfriend? What are you talking about?” I said, “She’s sleeping in my bed as we speak.”

The guy broke down on the phone and started pleading with me to let the girl go. He said: “I don’t know why she’s doing this to me. I beg you in the name of God, please wake her up for me so I can talk to her.” I asked him, “How long have you been dating her? He said: “We’ve been dating for four years now. I don’t know why she keeps cheating on me.” I woke her up and gave her the phone. I could hear the guy crying on the phone, begging her to leave and go home. She looked at me while talking to the guy. When she cut the line, she asked me, “What did he tell you?” All I said was, “Just leave. He wants you. You have someone in your life so why didn’t you tell me?” She said, “He’s lying don’t mind him. He had proposed to me but I haven’t accepted.” It was around 12:00 am, but I pushed her out. 

Then Casandra also came along. I hadn’t loved anyone in my life like the way I loved Casandra. Six months after dating her, she was posted to a village for her national service. I went to the village with her. I looked for accommodation with her and when she finally got it, I was the one who furnished her room. I don’t have a lot of money but when you love a woman you prove it with your actions and with the little that you have. I never suspected that girl of cheating but the way she guarded her phone anytime I around gave me concerns. She never left her phone idle. She would go to the toilet with the phone, enter the bathroom with it and go to the kitchen with it. When it was time to sleep, she would put the phone under her pillow and sleep.

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I started studying her password until one day I saw her typing it. I wrote it down so I don’t forget. I was with her one night when I sneakily pushed my hand under her pillow and took the phone. What I saw broke me into pieces. All of a sudden I screamed, “Herh Casandra! How could you?” It was around 1:00 am when I woke her up. I nearly beat her. She was shaking thinking I was going to do something to her. When she finally confessed her sins, I said: “That’s fine but I’m leaving with everything I bought for you.”

By the time I was leaving, the only thing left in her room was her bags. Even curtains and carpets, I didn’t leave it for her. Those in the house surrounded me, begging me not to do that but the taxi was already waiting outside for me. I packed the taxi until it was full. We went to my house, left the things there and went again for the rest. It was quite a spectacle. That’s what I regret but she deserves whatever I did to her.

Three relationships went down the drain all because I was inquisitive enough to go into their phones. I loved those girls. Casandra especially. I loved her with all my heart. It hurt me the way things turned out. So during my single days, I told myself: “The way things are going, if I keep going through women’s phones, I will keep losing everyone. What you don’t know doesn’t hurt so I’ll never do that again.” It’s a personal promise I made to myself because I was sick and tired of starting all over again every now and then.

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I met Alberta and fell in love with her. Eight months later, the two of us are still together but our relationship had never been without troubles. Petty little troubles until recently I realised a certain number had been calling her at odd hours. The name is Jay. I’ve closed my mind to it, pretending I haven’t seen it. One day, that guy called around 10:00pm. I asked her: “Who is that and what does he want?” She said, “Don’t mind him. I don’t even know why he’s calling at this time.” I said, “This is not the first time.” She said, “He calls me but this is the first time he’s calling at night.” I said, “If there’s nothing in it, then please stop engaging him.”

She’s always online too but I’d stopped checking up on her. You know, just to stop me from growing suspicious. One day she was with me and we were watching a movie. Her mind wasn’t on the movie. She was engrossed on her phone, smiling subtly to herself. You take her out on a date and half of the date would be spent on her phone. I’ve said all there’s to say but this girl isn’t changing. I don’t want to go through her phone so I’d prevented myself from knowing her password. But everything she does points to the fact that there’s someone in her life.

I’m suffering. I want to know but I don’t want to know. I know for sure that if I should go on her phone right now, I will see something and leave this relationship. I’m trying hard to stop myself from checking but she’s not doing anything to calm my nerves or make me trust her. Now My heart is on fire every day, I’m hurting because of how she’s constantly on her phone. How do I solve a problem like that? How do I not look on her phone and still feel comfortable with her? I need help. Why do I always end up with women like that? Or I’m the one being overly suspicious?

–Amando

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